The other day I went to the grocery store with my children.  I don’t recommend it, but sometimes we do what we have to do.

I approached the deli counter.  A girl rushed over from the far side to take my order.  She winked at me, then asked, “What can I get for you?”  I smiled and placed my order for 1/2 pound of honey maple ham.  She returned the smile, with another wink, and proceeded with the slicing.

Meanwhile, my kids spotted the drink machine.  I gave in to their cries of looming death from dehydration and let them get a drink.  It was a fountain drink machine, so they each made a suicide (mixing all the drink flavors).  As I watched their assault on the machine, I heard Deli Girl’s voice.

“Sorry,” I said.  “Did you need something?”

Deli Girl asked, “How are these slices?” and winked at me again.  Huh?

“Great,” I replied, a little uncomfortably.

“Would you like a taste?” Deli Girl asked, never taking her eyes off me.

I told her no thanks and turned back to the kids.  Why was she staring at me?

I walked over to my kids, who were on the verge of spilling their drinks while trying to put lids on them. By some small miracle, we got the lids on without any mess.  As soon as I turned around, there she was, Deli Girl, with my bag of ham.

“Here you go.” she said, standing oddly close to me.

“Thanks.”

“I LOVE your handbag.  It looks sooo good,” Deli Girl said, still all up in my personal space.

I was feeling beyond uncomfortable.  This was more than good customer service.  She must have an agenda here.  What did she want from me?

I quickly told her where I purchased my bag and that it wasn’t expensive at all (I do love a bargain).  I thanked her for bringing the ham out to me and herded my kids towards the fruits and vegetables, relieved to put some distance between us.

While perusing the fruit, I looked up to check on my kids, who were now trying to sneak stuff into the shopping cart.  Guess who was heading my way, smiling bigger than ever?  Yes!

Deli Girl slowed a little as she approached me, then passed and disappeared into a back room.  Was she stalking me?

The next day, I pulled out the deli ham to make a sandwich.  I realized Deli Girl had given me one pound of deli ham but only charged me for the 1/2 pound I ordered.

And then it hit me.  I mean, all the clues were there.  She smiled and winked at me.  She wanted to talk and be close to me.  She complimented my good taste in accessories.  She even gave me free stuff.  Who does that?

Deli Girl, that’s who.  She wants me for her new best friend.

Well, I accept.  I mean, what more could you want in a friend than someone who lights up when she sees you and gives you free meat?

See you next week, BFF!

I’m not good with plants.  In fact, the joke around my house is how long will it take me to kill a plant.

Luckily, no one keeps records of plant killers.  If they did, I’m sure all the nurseries in town would refuse to sell to me.

This year is going to be different.  I bought several petunias, a hibiscus, four ferns and two palm trees.  I’m planning to nurture and protect these babies all summer.

I repotted several of them all by myself.  I’ve watered them and fed them and even pulled little dead parts off of them.  I’m really getting into this gardening thing.

Ok, so maybe buying fully grown plants and watering them doesn’t constitute gardening by most standards.  But with my history of plant homicide, I’m already a Master Gardener in my own eyes because all of my plants still look healthy.

So for all you haters out there, just you wait.  When summer comes to an end this year, there are still going to be some beautiful, healthy plants up in here!

Just call me the Plant Whisperer.

Look!  They’re still alive!

The other day my daughter was watching Blue’s Clues. When the show was over, she wanted me to play it again.  I told her it was on live television and not a show recorded on the TiVo.  I couldn’t make it come on again.

Blank stare.

I tried explaining it a different way.  She then handed me the TiVo remote and said, “No, Mommy, just push these buttons and Blue will come back on.”

So I tried explaining it again, but I think all she heard was,

“Mommy blah, blah really knows blah, blah how to make it work.  Blah, blah Mommy blah, blah just doesn’t blah, blah love you enough.  And blah, blah you’re having squash blah, blah for lunch.”

The ear-splitting sound that came from her little body convinced me that I was not getting through to her.

I love TiVo, but maybe they should consider a hotline for moms of irate toddlers.  Maybe they could come up with a way to explain how the whole thing works to a screaming 3 year old.  At least they could create a brochure with suggestions for dealing with this madness.

So I did what any clever mother would do.  I convinced her that we needed to watch Sleeping Beauty instead.

And I threw in a little ice cream with sprinkles to seal the deal.  Hey, maybe TiVo Customer Service could add that little technique to their troubleshooting brochure.

Big Train Blended Ice Coffee*

Several years ago, my husband and I owned a bookstore and coffee shop.  We sold Big Train products and I’m still lovin’ them today.

This week I bought more of the Blended Ice Coffee (also called Ice Rage).  It’s similar to a Frappuccino and comes in tons of delicious flavors.  Java Chip is my favoritest because it has little chocolate chips in it, but I also like the No Sugar Added Mocha and the Chocolate Peanut Butter.  There are also Lite and Low Carb versions of some of the flavors.

Blend the mix with water and ice then top with whipped cream or any of your favorite garnishes and you have the perfect drink.  You are now a professional barista and qualified to work at any coffee shop in America.  Well, almost.

There are other drinks, including hot drinks, that this mix makes and the recipes are on the package.  Does it get any easier?  Ok, I guess Big Train could make it easier if they included someone to make it for you and deliver it pool-side.  Maybe they’ll think about that.

You can purchase single-serving packets so you can try all the yummy flavors.  These packets cost about a $1 each.

I buy the 3.5 pound bag for about $32 (including shipping) and it makes 20 16oz. drinks.  That’s $1.60 per drink.  If you bought the same drink at a coffee shop it would cost at least $3.

Ok, that was way more math than a girl needs to do in one sitting.

This is great to serve at a summer party.  All your friends will marvel at your awesome barista-ness.  If you try it, let me know what you think.  Or, if you know of something better, please let me know.  I love finding new goodies to try.

ENJOY!

*I don’t get anything for linking to this vendor; it’s where I purchase my products.  You can google Big Train and find other sellers but many do not sell directly to the public.

Have you ever run across a blog post or book that seemed to be written just for you?

One person might read a post, think, “Hmm, that’s nice”, but remain unaffected.  Another person might read those same words and stop in their tracks.  Suddenly their eyes open, the birds sing and all of life makes sense, or at least a little part of it.

Recently, I was busy making dinner, helping the kids with homework and refereeing a fight.  I was tired and frustrated and on the verge of a tantrum.  I was headed to that dark place where everything is bad and everyone is against me.  You know the place: The Land of Woe is Me.  I’m a frequent visitor and even have an honorary key to the city.

When the kids were finally in bed, I did some lurking on the internet and found this post that really affected me*.  It wasn’t new advice.  I guess it was the way the writer said it, but it just hit me: I needed to stop complaining and fussing and whining.  I needed to put on my big girl pants and get over myself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not always open to suggestions on how to be a more positive person.  I don’t enjoy criticism or realizing that I’ve been selfish or immature.  I’m not always ready to change or to think seriously about changing.  Generally, I don’t enjoy realizing that I’ve screwed up.

But fortunately I was ready to hear it right then.  My heart was searching for something and I stumbled upon the answer.

I love it when that happens.

And I know this positivity won’t last forever.  But if it helps  me be a nice person right now, well, that’s one less grumpy person that the world will have to deal with today.  I think that’s a good thing.  And besides, you do not want to see my grumpy face!

*I am so sorry, Mr. or Mrs. Writer of the Wonderfully Moving Post.  I don’t remember where you are.  But if I find you again, I promise I will link to your supertastic post. So, so, so sorry!

Urgent News Bulletin:

An Alabama toddler was caught yesterday running one of the oldest scams in the book.

Three year old Darlin’ surprised parents yesterday when she agreed to wear big girl panties.  As promised, the proud mother took Darlin’ to a local store for her reward.

Once home, Darlin’ spent several hours with her new toys.  And to everyone’s astonishment, she let her mother know when she needed to pee-pee. The whole family was amazed.

But they never expected the events that were about to unfold.

Later that evening, Darlin’ began demanding her diapers back.  She whined.  She cried.  She insisted on returning the new toys and getting more diapers.  Her mother knew this demand was impossible because the toys had been opened.

Did Darlin’ know this?  Was this part of some twisted plan?  The distraught parents were desperate for answers.

After the shock wore off, Darlin’s parents realized that this was a con.  Darlin’ had gone to the potty for the sole purpose of getting a new toy.  Oh the injustice!

Luckily her parents had faced this kind of behavior.  They stood their ground and refused her plea for diapers.

Darlin’ tried other tricks such as peeing on the bathroom rug.  This tactic almost broke her mother but she remained strong.

Today, despite the continued mess, there are no diapers in the house and Darlin’ is still wearing big girl underwear.

Hooray for diligent mothers like Darlin’s mom!  If it weren’t for their courage, patience and sheer will,  we would be living in a terrible society surrounded by icky, smelly potty training dropouts.

Hats off to these everyday heros!

I hate pee.

I am averse to all things potty-related.  I just don’t deal with it well.

Enter my 3 year old daughter, Darlin’, as she prefers to be called.  She is on the brink of this rite of passage.  But she refuses to take that monumental step into the exciting world of “big girls”.

I started over a year ago with little potty-positive comments.  I regaled her with stories of girls that braved this journey and now held their heads high in Big Girl Land. I sat her on the potty before her bath so she could get the feel of things.  I used all the preliminary techniques to prepare her for the “coming out”.

This was all great until the fateful day I suggested she take her potty training to the next level by actually peeing in the potty.  Big mistake.  Huge!

So, I backed off.

But the damage was done.  She no longer agreed to even sit on the potty.  When I suggested it, she screamed as if I were trying to shove her head down the little hole in the bottom of the toilet. That’s not to say I hadn’t considered it.

So I tried reasoning with her.  Silly, I know, but when I’m desperate, I’ll try anything.

“You’re getting to be such a big girl,” I say.  “I know you can go to the potty like mom & dad.”

She replied, “I don’t want to be a big girl.  I’m just Darlin’.”

Ok, that didn’t work.  I tried another angle.

“It’s so much easier to go in the potty.  WE won’t have to spend all this time changing your diaper.  Doesn’t that sound better?”

“No, Mommy.  It’s really easy to potty in my diaper,” she answered.  Well, she’s got me there.

Finally I sank to bribery.  My oldest kids couldn’t resist this tactic.

She took the bait.  Angels were singing; hope was born.  Darlin’ was wearing Little Mermaid underwear!  I was a genius.

But thirty minutes later the dream ended with her screaming and crying in a puddle of pee.

So today, I officially give up.  Maybe I’ll find it in me to try again, maybe I won’t.  Do Depends cost more than Pampers?

Anyway, if your child comes home from 5th grade one day talking about the girl in class that can change her own diaper, well, that’s my Darlin’.

The kids are out of school today because they had an unused weather day.  It was wonderful not waking at 6:30am to get them ready.  Oh, wait, we did get up at 6:30 thanks to Darlin’ (my 3 year old).

But at least we weren’t rushing around for backpacks and lunches and grabbing breakfast on the way out the door.  It was so nice.

I thought about planning a fun day for them like going to the park or on a picnic.  But then  it occurred to me that a mellow day at home might be the mini vacation we need.

We didn’t rush to get dressed.  Everyone ate breakfast when they wanted.  Even Darlin’ succumbed to the laid-back feeling of the day.

Everyone played outside this morning, swinging and riding various bikes & scooters.

My son spent some real quality time battling fierce creatures on his Pokemon game.

The girls made a store and recruited me and dad as customers.  It was a little odd to pay cash for shoes that look suspiciously like the ones in my closet, but they were having such a fantastic time (and not watching tv).

I think this lazy Friday was just what we all needed.  It was a welcome break from all the chaos of school.  And it gave us a little preview of the summer days to come.

Only 19 school days left this year.  Hooray!

Then it’s off to the pool or the backyard for some summer fun that’s sure to be legen- (wait for it)  dary.

Want to join us?

I know that schools need money. I know that fund raisers are the accepted way of making money, a necessary evil. But I don’t have to like it.

I can get behind some of the more benign fund raisers. For example, my kids’ school asked parents to bring in 2 gift items and 1 baked item for a huge carnival and sale that the school has every year. There was no big competition. There was no promise of winning Dollar Store cute little gifts. The donations were easy for the parents and the carnival was fun for the kids.

But all fund raisers are not created equal. The most recent fund raiser was a “Fun Run”. Students attended a school-wide rally where they were pumped up to SELL SELL SELL and promised cheap toys “exclusive” prizes as incentives to get pledges.

My kids came home exploding with enthusiasm over the sheer greatness of this “Fun Run” day. In unison they recited the shpeel about how great this is for the school, blah blah blah. Not wanting to be the loser parents that say no to everything, we pledged $1 per lap for each of our kids (they run between 20 & 40 laps).

The next day, the kids were bombarded with more promises of rubber bracelets, light-up frisbees & family board games if they get more pledges. Now they want to call every relative & friend we have across the entire country and beg for money. What? I thought I just paid to stop this madness help the school. Now they want more? It’s pure blackmail. I never should have given in to their demands.

I just HATE this. I don’t think other people should have to spend money on my kids’ school especially when they don’t even get a stinky ugly cool candle or something for their money. I think it puts others in an awkward position. Generally, nobody enjoys telling a kid no. Ok, maybe sometimes when I’m in a sick twisted sort of mood I enjoy saying no, but you know what I mean.

I don’t like how the school gets my kids super motivated to beg people for money. Why don’t they use that power for good (like motivating my kids to do their homework without being asked)? When I say I’d rather not call people begging for money, I morph into this cheap pathetic no-good parent who won’t even help the great institution that is teaching my kids to be the best they can be. Now it’s all my fault when my kids don’t meet their goals and miss out on the crappy cool-beyond-words super exclusive stuffed duck. Thanks, but I don’t need the school’s help getting my kids to think I suck.

I offer to go buy them a duck and a light-up frisbee and a rubber bracelet and we’ll only be out $5. But that isn’t as cool as getting the exclusive stuff from school.

I give in and let them each call one person who I know will save the day. They each get a big pledge and they are saved from being an embarrassment to the school and our entire family.

Thanks mom!

This is the first post I’ve ever, uh, posted.  Or should that be blogged?  Or should it be, this is the first blog I’ve ever posted?  Well, that doesn’t sound right.  The pressure is getting to me already.

Anyway, I’m brand spankin’ new at this.  I’m a little baby blogger.  Can you hear me cooing?

I’m still learning and I don’t know all the terminology and etiquette yet, but I’ll do my best.  Please be kind.

And, by the way, I was rickrolled the other day and didn’t even know what that was.

Who knew there was more than online shopping, Google and solitare out here?

I think I’m gonna enjoy this.

And thanks to all who offered cookies to entice me.  They did the trick.

Hey, am I metablogging?  Ahh, my first big blogger word!  Everybody clap.