Girly Mom

I’ve been DOA; no that’s not it.  I’ve been MIA, yeah.  I’ve been MIA for a while.

I have three little sweethearts that have just started back to school.  For the past few weeks, I’ve been  preparing them for that big event.

I wore holes in my tires from repeated trips to Target, Walmart, and KMart.  I scoured the racks at umpteen different department stores looking for clothes, shoes, and accessories.  I made my kids try on 12 different sizes of uniforms for school.  And I even spent countless hours online searching for cute nap mats, sippy cups, tote bags and lunch boxes.

And don’t even get me started on the supply lists for these kids.  I trudged through rows and rows of school paraphernalia searching for exactly what was on each list.  Where were the large white glue sticks?  Every store had regular and jumbo and purple.  Nobody stocked large white ones.  When I finally found them, they were $2 a piece and I needed 12.  Twenty-four dollars for glue?  That’s just wrong!

Searching for notebooks was frustrating, too.  I hunted for pocket folders with brads, pocket folders without brads, and composition notebooks with wide-rule paper.  And on top of that, my kids wanted them to be Hannah Montana or Pokemon or Hello Kitty or pink or something other than what was available where we were.

Oh, and there are NO blue 10 gallon Sterilite tubs in the entire city, in case you wanted to know.  It was really special to find out at my son’s orientation that the tub color didn’t matter.  What?  Why, for the love of all that is good, did someone not fix that on the supply list?  People don’t realize the trouble they cause us slightly deranged, OCD moms.

Seriously, does anyone else do this?  Why do I obsess over getting exactly what’s written on the supply list?  I mean, I’m not a first time mom.  I should know better.  I should just throw some crayons and paper in a Walmart sack and send them on their way.  But there’s just something about the start of the school year that turns me into this fretful little woman who must do everything by the book.

Needless to say, my babies got to school with all their stuff.  We did miss my 8 year old’s orientation because I read the paper wrong.  I thought it was on the same night as my son’s.  That doesn’t bode well for my scheduling abilities this year, but I’m going to get them through this year with awesome grades if it kills me.

Did I mention that I’m home alone?  My youngest baby, who is about to turn 4 in a few weeks, started preschool.  I’m sad for myself, but excited for her.  It’s great that she’s so independent, but I sure miss her.  Her school is awesome and her teacher, Mrs. Ruthie, is the sweetest lady ever.

I’m planning on relaxing at home for a few days and then getting started on some projects around the house.  I’ve got pictures that need hanging, closets that need cleaning and I may even slap a photo or two in somebody’s scrapbook.  I’m also plannin’ to get my blog on.  I’m looking forward to more free time for writing and catching up on all the blogs I love to read.  Hooray freedom!

Look at me!  I’m focusing on the positve side of this rather than the fact that my baby has started school and they’re all getting old and about to move out and leaving me here all alone forever and ever.  See, I’m doing great!

After a thrilling day one, we launched day two with a stroll around downtown Chattanooga.  I controlled my sweet tooth and only bought one caramel at the fudge shop and nothing in the candy store.  Thank you, thank you very much!

Around noon,  we took the kids to see a Mystery Theater show.  It was hilarious!  The lunchtime show is just for kids; the older kids (OK, the parents too) laughed the whole time.  The younger kids weren’t sure if it was funny or scary.

Next, we went to the zoo.  We saw some kind of kill-anyone who-comes-too-close breed of snake.  Completely disgusting!  We saw Red Pandas, a Snow Leopard, gorillas, Spider Monkeys, and lots of little creepy-crawly things.  The zoo also had an area where the kids could pet goats and ponies and little donkeys.  M and I were fine until we saw a slew of mice and we went running out of the barn.  Our husbands and the worker guy seemed amused at our distress.  Some things just aren’t right, and mice are at the top of that list.

After the zoo, we went out for dinner.  I figured I deserved a little treat after the nasty mice incident, so we ordered Chocolate Divine and Peanut Butter Cheesecake.  Delicious!  Then we walked around at an outdoor art festival.  I met a lady, and her cutie daughter, who sells her stuff on Etsy.  She was super nice and I love, love, love her books.  Then we headed back to the hotel and stayed up late talking and playing.

Another successful day of vacation!

On July 4th, we loaded up our three kids and headed to Chattanooga, Tennessee for the weekend.  I packed for a family of 12 heading to the desert for 4 weeks.  I’m a horrible packer, I admit it.  I always pack one outfit for each day, a few extras in case we go somewhere nice for dinner or someone gets their outfit dirty.  Plus, I always throw in a few extra items in case the weather goes all arctic on us.  And I never forget the shoes for dressing up and for dressing down and for walking around.  Unfortunately on this trip, I forgot sleeping bags, swim goggles and one kid’s medicine.  But hey, they sure did look good.

Anyway, we planned to leave around 10 in the morning, so of course it was noon when we pulled out of our driveway.  That’s actually not too bad for us.  We had a pleasant and uneventful drive, which any parent of small children will tell you, is a wonderful gift from above.

Our kids entertained themselves with their video games and movies and even looked up occasionally to enjoy the view.  We didn’t make the usual four stops every ten miles, which was great.  My husband and I were able to have an uninterrupted adult conversation.  I’d almost forgotten what that was like.

We checked into our hotel in Chattanooga, threw the luggage in our room, then headed off to Lake Winnie Amusement Park to meet our best friends, J and M, and their four kids.  We have traveled more times than I can count with them and surprisingly, they still seem to like us.

Using our parenting genius, we divided up so the kids could ride as many things as possible.  The toddlers rode a bunch of kiddie rides, including a mini roller coaster. I rode with the kids the first time and M rode with them the next go-round.  As is her luck, the coaster stopped part way into the ride.  She had to drag two of the kids out of the car and climb over the tracks.  She also got stuck in the hotel elevator on our NY trip last year, so I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.  Crazy things always happen to her.

The bigger kids rode paddle boats, the ferris wheel and several spin-you-around-until-you-throw-up rides.  M and I agreed that we were insane to let our kids ride some of those rides.  We’ve put too much time and effort into getting them raised to this point to lose them on some crazy rickety old ride.  Our husbands just laughed at us.

The kids loved the park. We thought it seemed kinda dirty and some of the people there were just plain scary.  Maybe it’s not normally like that, but ewww.  It’s definitely not Disney, but it’s nearby and the kids had a blast.  Plus, I did enjoy a huge Icee and a funnel cake. That was definitely worth putting up with a few carny folk.

I’m a good mother.  I take care of my kids.  I bathe them and feed them.  I help them with homework.  I buy them clothes and shoes that they like (usually).  And I buy them toys.

But some of those toys, well, I just don’t have words for how much I hate them.  Today’s toy that I despise above all others is my daughter’s Slushee Maker.  I’m sitting here at the computer at a complete loss for words.  I HATE that thing.

First of all, I have to assemble it because it’s too hard for anyone under the age of 30.  Then, I have to add the ingredients because the canister gets so cold that your hands can go numb if you even touch it.

Next, I have to turn the handle because it’s too hard for anyone without body building experience.  So, I stand there for at least five minutes turning this impossible crank until my arm falls off on the floor.  That’s how we know when it’s ready.

Then, I have to endure my daughter’s pitiful look when the liquid doesn’t freeze (which is most of the time).  So I either do it all over again or refuse and try to live with her disappointment.

And she wonders why I never want to get that stupid thing down from the pantry so she can play with it.

I’m throwing it in the garbage!

OK, OK.  I know I won’t because, remember how I said I’m a good mother?  I’ll keep it and try to avoid getting it down for several more months.  Then, one day, I’ll give in, get it down, and go through the whole thing again.

I guess I wouldn’t fuss so much if it worked more often.  It might be worth the effort if we got something even partially frozen to come out.  I’ve just got to be more careful when buying toys for my kids.

And don’t even get me started on the Baby Alive that wet all over my stairs!

I’m not much of a crier.  Now that may seem odd, seeing as how I’m a self-proclaimed girly-girl.  I do get sad in movies and you might see a few tears roll down my face on occasion, but you will rarely see me blubbering uncontrollably.

I’m not saying blubbering is good or bad, it’s just not me.

Enter Trace Adkins.

I heard this song a few months ago.  I’m not so much a fan of country music, so where did I hear a song by a country musician?  Well, I was watching the season finale of Celebrity Apprentice (I kinda hate admitting that).

At the end of the show, Trace Adkins performed this heart-breaking little ballad called You’re Gonna Miss This.

Oh my word!

I was practically curled up in the fetal position on the sofa.  I’m a horrible person.  I’m missing all the good stuff.  He’s right!  He’s right!  I am going to miss this.  I already do.  These are the good times.  Help!  Someone make him shut up!

He finally ended his assault on my emotions.  I composed myself as best I could and tried to go about my day.  But I could not get those words out of my mind.  And even months later, here I am, blogging about how those words affect me.

When I hear or even mention that song, I fight back the urge to fall to the floor, wailing and bemoaning my failure to enjoy the moment.  I ask myself over and over, “Am I appreciating that spilled milk?  Am I enjoying listening to this tantrum?  Am I going to miss this argument?”

I think the answer to each specific question is no, I can live a fulfilling life if no one ever spills milk again.  But is that my focus?  Are these the times of spills and tantrums and arguments?

Or are these the times of learning and laughing and playing?  Am I focusing on the good things about right now?  I know I get caught up in all the negatives to the point that I fail to enjoy the fun stuff.

I relate to the line in the song that says,

“Dog’s barkin’, phone’s ringin’

One kid’s cryin’, one kid’s screamin’.”

Sometimes it seems like everything erupts simultaneously.  Two kids start fussing, the phone is ringing and I’m trying to make dinner while helping another kid study 4000 vocabulary words.  It’s difficult to feel like these are the good times.

But my parents assure me I will miss this time in my life.  They subtly remind me to enjoy this time with the kids.  They smile at the mess my kids make.  They laugh at little things my kids forget to do.  They sit back and enjoy watching it all.

These are good times.  I’m going to want them back.  I’m going to wish they hadn’t gone by so fast.

So thank you, Trace, for reminding me to appreciate right now.

The other day my daughter was watching Blue’s Clues. When the show was over, she wanted me to play it again.  I told her it was on live television and not a show recorded on the TiVo.  I couldn’t make it come on again.

Blank stare.

I tried explaining it a different way.  She then handed me the TiVo remote and said, “No, Mommy, just push these buttons and Blue will come back on.”

So I tried explaining it again, but I think all she heard was,

“Mommy blah, blah really knows blah, blah how to make it work.  Blah, blah Mommy blah, blah just doesn’t blah, blah love you enough.  And blah, blah you’re having squash blah, blah for lunch.”

The ear-splitting sound that came from her little body convinced me that I was not getting through to her.

I love TiVo, but maybe they should consider a hotline for moms of irate toddlers.  Maybe they could come up with a way to explain how the whole thing works to a screaming 3 year old.  At least they could create a brochure with suggestions for dealing with this madness.

So I did what any clever mother would do.  I convinced her that we needed to watch Sleeping Beauty instead.

And I threw in a little ice cream with sprinkles to seal the deal.  Hey, maybe TiVo Customer Service could add that little technique to their troubleshooting brochure.

Urgent News Bulletin:

An Alabama toddler was caught yesterday running one of the oldest scams in the book.

Three year old Darlin’ surprised parents yesterday when she agreed to wear big girl panties.  As promised, the proud mother took Darlin’ to a local store for her reward.

Once home, Darlin’ spent several hours with her new toys.  And to everyone’s astonishment, she let her mother know when she needed to pee-pee. The whole family was amazed.

But they never expected the events that were about to unfold.

Later that evening, Darlin’ began demanding her diapers back.  She whined.  She cried.  She insisted on returning the new toys and getting more diapers.  Her mother knew this demand was impossible because the toys had been opened.

Did Darlin’ know this?  Was this part of some twisted plan?  The distraught parents were desperate for answers.

After the shock wore off, Darlin’s parents realized that this was a con.  Darlin’ had gone to the potty for the sole purpose of getting a new toy.  Oh the injustice!

Luckily her parents had faced this kind of behavior.  They stood their ground and refused her plea for diapers.

Darlin’ tried other tricks such as peeing on the bathroom rug.  This tactic almost broke her mother but she remained strong.

Today, despite the continued mess, there are no diapers in the house and Darlin’ is still wearing big girl underwear.

Hooray for diligent mothers like Darlin’s mom!  If it weren’t for their courage, patience and sheer will,  we would be living in a terrible society surrounded by icky, smelly potty training dropouts.

Hats off to these everyday heros!

I hate pee.

I am averse to all things potty-related.  I just don’t deal with it well.

Enter my 3 year old daughter, Darlin’, as she prefers to be called.  She is on the brink of this rite of passage.  But she refuses to take that monumental step into the exciting world of “big girls”.

I started over a year ago with little potty-positive comments.  I regaled her with stories of girls that braved this journey and now held their heads high in Big Girl Land. I sat her on the potty before her bath so she could get the feel of things.  I used all the preliminary techniques to prepare her for the “coming out”.

This was all great until the fateful day I suggested she take her potty training to the next level by actually peeing in the potty.  Big mistake.  Huge!

So, I backed off.

But the damage was done.  She no longer agreed to even sit on the potty.  When I suggested it, she screamed as if I were trying to shove her head down the little hole in the bottom of the toilet. That’s not to say I hadn’t considered it.

So I tried reasoning with her.  Silly, I know, but when I’m desperate, I’ll try anything.

“You’re getting to be such a big girl,” I say.  “I know you can go to the potty like mom & dad.”

She replied, “I don’t want to be a big girl.  I’m just Darlin’.”

Ok, that didn’t work.  I tried another angle.

“It’s so much easier to go in the potty.  WE won’t have to spend all this time changing your diaper.  Doesn’t that sound better?”

“No, Mommy.  It’s really easy to potty in my diaper,” she answered.  Well, she’s got me there.

Finally I sank to bribery.  My oldest kids couldn’t resist this tactic.

She took the bait.  Angels were singing; hope was born.  Darlin’ was wearing Little Mermaid underwear!  I was a genius.

But thirty minutes later the dream ended with her screaming and crying in a puddle of pee.

So today, I officially give up.  Maybe I’ll find it in me to try again, maybe I won’t.  Do Depends cost more than Pampers?

Anyway, if your child comes home from 5th grade one day talking about the girl in class that can change her own diaper, well, that’s my Darlin’.

The kids are out of school today because they had an unused weather day.  It was wonderful not waking at 6:30am to get them ready.  Oh, wait, we did get up at 6:30 thanks to Darlin’ (my 3 year old).

But at least we weren’t rushing around for backpacks and lunches and grabbing breakfast on the way out the door.  It was so nice.

I thought about planning a fun day for them like going to the park or on a picnic.  But then  it occurred to me that a mellow day at home might be the mini vacation we need.

We didn’t rush to get dressed.  Everyone ate breakfast when they wanted.  Even Darlin’ succumbed to the laid-back feeling of the day.

Everyone played outside this morning, swinging and riding various bikes & scooters.

My son spent some real quality time battling fierce creatures on his Pokemon game.

The girls made a store and recruited me and dad as customers.  It was a little odd to pay cash for shoes that look suspiciously like the ones in my closet, but they were having such a fantastic time (and not watching tv).

I think this lazy Friday was just what we all needed.  It was a welcome break from all the chaos of school.  And it gave us a little preview of the summer days to come.

Only 19 school days left this year.  Hooray!

Then it’s off to the pool or the backyard for some summer fun that’s sure to be legen- (wait for it)  dary.

Want to join us?

I know that schools need money. I know that fund raisers are the accepted way of making money, a necessary evil. But I don’t have to like it.

I can get behind some of the more benign fund raisers. For example, my kids’ school asked parents to bring in 2 gift items and 1 baked item for a huge carnival and sale that the school has every year. There was no big competition. There was no promise of winning Dollar Store cute little gifts. The donations were easy for the parents and the carnival was fun for the kids.

But all fund raisers are not created equal. The most recent fund raiser was a “Fun Run”. Students attended a school-wide rally where they were pumped up to SELL SELL SELL and promised cheap toys “exclusive” prizes as incentives to get pledges.

My kids came home exploding with enthusiasm over the sheer greatness of this “Fun Run” day. In unison they recited the shpeel about how great this is for the school, blah blah blah. Not wanting to be the loser parents that say no to everything, we pledged $1 per lap for each of our kids (they run between 20 & 40 laps).

The next day, the kids were bombarded with more promises of rubber bracelets, light-up frisbees & family board games if they get more pledges. Now they want to call every relative & friend we have across the entire country and beg for money. What? I thought I just paid to stop this madness help the school. Now they want more? It’s pure blackmail. I never should have given in to their demands.

I just HATE this. I don’t think other people should have to spend money on my kids’ school especially when they don’t even get a stinky ugly cool candle or something for their money. I think it puts others in an awkward position. Generally, nobody enjoys telling a kid no. Ok, maybe sometimes when I’m in a sick twisted sort of mood I enjoy saying no, but you know what I mean.

I don’t like how the school gets my kids super motivated to beg people for money. Why don’t they use that power for good (like motivating my kids to do their homework without being asked)? When I say I’d rather not call people begging for money, I morph into this cheap pathetic no-good parent who won’t even help the great institution that is teaching my kids to be the best they can be. Now it’s all my fault when my kids don’t meet their goals and miss out on the crappy cool-beyond-words super exclusive stuffed duck. Thanks, but I don’t need the school’s help getting my kids to think I suck.

I offer to go buy them a duck and a light-up frisbee and a rubber bracelet and we’ll only be out $5. But that isn’t as cool as getting the exclusive stuff from school.

I give in and let them each call one person who I know will save the day. They each get a big pledge and they are saved from being an embarrassment to the school and our entire family.

Thanks mom!